How to Make Your Bed in 30-Plus Minutes: A Short, (comical, quasi-satirical but TRUE) ADD Story

  
                   “How to Make Your Bed in 30-Plus Minutes: A Short (comical, quasi-satirical but TRUE) ADD Story” 
                                                                                    by me, Ruby  

Once upon a time—today, in fact—I was cleaning the shower when I noticed the shower curtain liner needed to be washed. I tapped my chin with a finger, thinking hard. “Shucks, while I’m at it, I should just wash the towels too!” That’s called being resourceful, which is always a good element to have in stories. 

After starting the towels, I realized I needed a laundry basket to take the things out of the dryer.  This is quite a problem for our character (me), but it's really fine, because all I have to do is obtain a basket from another part of the house and thus, our "Adventure is out there!" story begins. Even with that stolen motto, (sadly, there are no balloons in this story) I travelled by foot to the faraway land of the bedroom to find my basket. Doggonit, the basket had clean laundry in it. I stood, arms akimbo, heaving a deep, throaty sigh. You see, in order to empty the basket, I needed to make the bed. This is where the story could get really boring, because that’s what happens when you make beds in stories (especially stories that have very little dialogue).  

Except that’s not what happened. Oh sure, I started to pull up the sheets and blankets, but then I had to go to the bathroom. While there, I noticed the body soap in the shower needed to be refilled. But, what was that smell? Oh yeah, I had poured drain-o down the sink earlier. I henceforth commenced rinsing the sink of drain-o (eh-hem, AFTER washing my hands—of course! What kind of story do you think this is? It's not a dirty one!). I then refilled the liquid body soap, but—OH MY GOODNESS—what did I find? (Did you notice the nice use of a non-expletive interrupter right there for dramatic effect? Which, of course, makes this an exciting story, amiright?) 

Anyway, now we are moving on to the next plot point so try to keep up (thank you!). When I put the liquid soap back, I noticed the bar soap “thingy” in the shower was scummy.  After washing it, I remembered I was doing something in the laundry room. On the way back, I noticed the couch blanket was crying because it was stuck in a crevice and needed to be folded and those random things laying around were begging to be put away (Ha! Did you notice my slick use of anthropomorphism there? Every good story has that!)

Just FYI, this is where the plot thickens, so you’ll want to pay close attention. Anyway, I walked into the kitchen and—oooh, those oranges looked good so it had to be snack time—because everybody knows that every good story has a snack in it. Where was I? Oh yeah...being in the kitchen brought me back to the laundry room. Why am I here? OH YEAH, I needed the basket! 

Of course at this point, I skipped my way back to the bedroom only to discover—oh snap!—I hadn’t finished making the bed. (Hold your breath in this part of the story because it has a LOT of suspense!) Wait for it… (even though the suspense is killing you, sorry!)

Here it is: I did the job (finished making the bed)…WITHOUT STOPPING! Yes, you read it right. 

Really? Yes! After all, I knew I could do it because it was the title of my story.

This is where I paused to give myself a well-deserved, non-self-deprecating pat on the back. After which, I could FINALLY, unequivocally and irrevocably empty said basket onto the bed (“beds are just for sleeping” said no one EVER, amiright again?). And then, finally, with a hallelujah shout—and with many other random things accomplished along the way—I triumphantly and single-mindedly (after all, I am practically a Martha Stuart protege at this point) put the laundry basket in the laundry room so I could empty the dryer. Wasn’t that a good ending? I thought so. 

And that, my friends, is the true story of how you too, can make a bed in 30 (ish) minutes.
            
                                                                               THE END 

“Wait! WAIT just a minute!” you shout at me. (Honestly, there’s no need to shout.) “What’s the moral of the story?” you ask breathlessly, taking it down a notch—thank you—although I know you were just excited. 

A moral? Oh, yeah, how could I forget? My apologies, astute reader. You are absolutely right: every good story has one of those! 

Well, in case you missed it (because, honestly, it was pretty easy to figure out, but since you asked…) the moral of the story is:  If you have to clean the shower, then make your bed first—because doing that will make it SO much easier for you to finish the laundry. 😀 TA DA!

You’re welcome.

And now, here's my disclaimer-ish statement: (Is that really a thing? I'm not sure; I'll have to get back to you on that.) But in the meantime, if you have a VERY literal brain, or you are extremely scientific, or you have never taken an English lit class, or you DON'T have ADD, you might not get all the humor. And that's okay, really, because maybe you know someone this story reminds you of and now you totally get them. Again, you're welcome.

And, it kills me to do this, but for all you literal people (you know who you are) I'll explain the humor. You see, I'm trying really hard to express the sheer joys of having ADD (because it's so amazing!). I'm also poking fun at the many rules of writing even a simple short story. Because, obviously, all good stories have anthropomorphism and at least seventeen explanation points (amiright?) For goodness sakes, I can't even explain the humor without verbal irony. Sorry!   

Also, and furthermore (in case you were wondering) this story has no relation to the children's story "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."  I haven't read that story in twenty years, so if it's renting space in my head, I am unaware of it. Besides, there are no mice or cookies (or moose or muffins) in my story. Besides that, there's nothing to really tie the stories together except a series of unrelated—but fortunate—events. And I didn't even think of that story until AFTER I wrote my own. I guess in a tiny way my little anecdote kind of reminded me of the concept of giving a cookie to a scatterbrained mouse.  And even then, the association was funny to me because, of course, great minds think alike! (Although...our stories are almost nothing alike, so can I even say that? Perhaps not.) Anyway, I'm almost certain that everyone—probably even Laura—knows how creative minds work.  

​                       Hooray! This narrative is now officially over and you can go back to your life. 
                                                                                THE END
                                                                                 (Again!)
                                                              (For real this time though.)
                                                                                      :)